ANOTHER CHRISTMAS CARD
Written by James Ward
Michelle at Bostik isn’t the only total stranger I’ve sent a Christmas card to this year. I also sent one to the family who live round the corner from me in Leyton.
This is their house:
I have never spoken to this family, but I have often seen the man who lives here standing outside the house. He looks a bit like Charlie from Eastenders. In summer, he stands outside his house, often without a shirt and often with a dog. I’m not sure why he stands there, but he does. I should probably clarify that in summer, the house does not look like this. They only put the decorations up at Christmas.
As with Michelle’s card, I put quite a bit of thought into choosing this. It’s easy if you’re buying a card for someone you know. You know them, they know you. It’s simple. You know if they’re a cheeky-drunken-cartoon-Santa type of person, or a painting-of-a-robin-on-a-snow-covered-branch type of person, or a tasteful-slightly-abstracted-snowflake type of person. But if you don’t know the person at all, it’s difficult. I thought about this long and hard. I went to Paperchase and Scribbler and Cards Galore. I studied each and every card until, in a newsagents around the corner from where I work, I found the only thing that could possibly make sense in this situation:
A kitten dressed as Santa.
This is what I wrote:
The observant among you will no doubt have identified the pen used in writing this card. It’s the Bic Atlantis Stic.
I had meant to send them a card last year, but for whatever reason, I never really got round to it. So maybe I should have sent them two cards this year to make up for it. Plus a third card to apologise.
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If I had written to them I would have written ‘WHEN I SEE YOUR HOUSE I SEE ENVIRONMENTAL ARMAGEDDON YOU BASTARDS’.
But we are different, James Ward. You and I are different.
Given the choice between a giant inflatable Santa, and the preservation of the planet for future generations, I think it’s clear which one I’d choose.
In the street next to me, there are two households opposite each other who really go to town on their Christmas decorations. In previous years, they have both put lights in the trees outside their houses – these are council-owned trees on the pavement, not in their front gardens – powered by what seems to be a sort of makeshift arrangment of domestic power extensions, wrapped in bin bags (presumably to protect against rain), their cables disappearing through the houses’ letterboxes and/or open windows.
This year they’ve gone even further – collaborating to stretch a huge lit-up ‘Merry Christmas’ sign across the whole street between the trees in front of their houses, again powered by dangerous-looking cables leading into their letterboxes etc.
I’m not going to send them a Christmas card because I don’t really like Christmas, but if you would like to recognise their festive efforts I’ll be happy to forward their addresses.
Alternatively, you may wish to write to Merton Council, who I assume would take a dim view of this exercise in public wiring.
Looks like the ‘photos of other people’s houses’ tag is filling up nicely!