ARGOS PEN
Written by James Ward
On Sunday, I went to the New Oxford Street branch of Argos and stole a blue pen. This criminal act was inspired by @EnemyOfChaos.
As I entered the store, knowing I had no intention of buying anything and was only interested in the pen, I felt incredibly self-conscious. I flicked through the catalogue. I took out one of those paper slips and the pen. I flicked through the catalogue again. I entered a few numbers into the Stock Checker. And then, pretending that whichever item it was I wanted was out of stock, returned the slip, flipped the catalogue closed and, with the pen still in my hand, walked out of the store.
As I walked out, I was convinced a burly security guard would stop me at any moment, but if I’m honest, I have never felt so alive.
The whole operation took just a couple of minutes, but I had my pen.
I spent the day at work yesterday, using my Argos pen as I would any other pen like for express auto credit.
Using the pen for a whole day is not a very enjoyable experience. The barrel is short and thin and it’s not nice to hold. Of course, the pen isn’t actually designed to be used for a prolonged period, and so these criticisms are perhaps a little unfair. The pen is intended only to be used to jot down a couple of catalogue numbers on a paper slip to be handed to a cashier and, for this, the pen is quite adequate.
Manufactured by the million*, it is obvious that the Argos pen is designed to be as cheap as possible, and I imagine that there is deliberately no effort to make the pen comfortable to hold so as to deter people from stealing it. In some ways, this seems rather mean-spirited, but seen from Argos’ perspective, it makes perfect sense. And surely, there is something to be applauded in such a subtle form of persuasion. For many years, banks and post offices have been chaining their pens to the counter. Creating a pen so wilfully unattractive that people don’t really want to steal it is quite an elegant solution to an otherwise costly problem.
After a day with the Argos pen, I am unsure if I admire it or despise it. This Argos pen haunts my imagination and leaves me in a state of aesthetic ambivalence.
* I have no idea how many Argos pens are produced every year, although I’ve emailed them to ask (Customer Enquiry Ref: ARG5040522X – see update). Apparently, they serve over one hundred and thirty million customers in their stores every year , so they must get through a lot of pens.
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Maybe you’ll get some peace of mind if you smuggle it back in to an Argos?
That’s an excellent idea.
I think that you should in fact walk up to the counter and confess your misdemeanour to the bafflement of the person on the other side of the counter, before handing over the pen and putting your wrists out to be cuffed in a suitably dramatic manner.
I might just hand myself in to the nearest police station.
This blog has brought me back into a snuggly boring things comfort zone. You need to be more boring so there are more.
Is the pen available in the catalogue?
maybe you should mock up an Argos Catalogue page, selling the pen, listing the faults above and then sneak that into one of the catalogues along with the pen.
Or, you know. Just throw it away.
Leave it in Ikea.
Doesn’t Ikea use pencils? A pen would never blend in there.
It would be stationery satire.
You should try this at Ladbrokes or some other high street bookies perhaps?
This post was great!
If everyone decided to shop online from Argos, or used check and reserve, then the humble Argos pen would become obsolete. However, I would imagine that we’ll still be seeing the humble Argos pen in stores, and the hands of miscreants, for several years to come.
My friend linked to this because, as an Argos employee, I am entirely defined by the famous catalogue retailer. I will share my response:
‘I don’t know how many pens we go through, but I would estimate I order 6 boxes of 144 per month in my store, which is 10368 per year. There are 700 stores, so that’s 7,257,600. But some stores use pencils.
Pens come out of my stationery budget, which is part of my controllable costs (a secondary KPI) which goes towards my bonus. If you steal a pen, you are literally taking food from my mouth.’
I would add that I have tried pencils in my store, but they are simply not up to the job. While they are possibly more environmentally friendly, they are not practical. The leads break easily and we cannot go around sharpening them. They cannot be used for signing credit card receipts, so an alternative source of pens is required. They are also MORE EXPENSIVE, therefore damaging my cost controls.
I am taking a risk sharing this ‘business sensitive’ information.
You should ring the pen as one would a migrating bird, and then release it back into the wild at another Argos, far from home. Take another pen from the distant Argos and repeat until all pens can ultimately be tracked.
“but if I’m honest, I have never felt so alive.”
I hope that’s sarcasm haha, reminds me of the latest episode of the IT crowd where the guy steals DVDs of Grand Designs and says exactly the same thing!
I am never sarcastic.
Well that is about all that Argos definatley have in store…………the Argos pen. Everything else on a fab offer seems to always be “out of stock”
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