JAMES WARD: I LIKE BORING THINGS

Yesterday, I applied for fourteen jobs at Argos Head Office as part of my quest to find out how many blue ballpoint pens get used in Argos stores each year.

I was excited when I logged in to Gmail this morning and saw this:

I’d already come to the conclusion that Toni Weston doesn’t like me, but this was the first time I had heard from Rosie McCulloch, Geeta Jones, Kirsty Dunne or Frances Andrews and so was feeling optimistic.

I opened the first email. Bad news:

ARG1167-1007

Dear James,

Thank you for your recent application for the position of Commercial Analysis Manager in Milton Keynes.

The details of your application have been reviewed, but it is with regret that I write to inform you that on this occasion, you have been unsuccessful.

We hope that the decision made on this occasion will not deter you from applying for similar positions which may arise in the future.

Yours sincerely

Rosie McCulloch
Resourcing Co-ordinator

I opened the second email:

HRG7255-1021

Dear James,

Thank you for your recent application for the position of Credit Risk Analyst in Bolton.

The details of your application have been reviewed, but it is with regret that I write to inform you that on this occasion, you have been unsuccessful.

We hope that the decision made on this occasion will not deter you from applying for similar positions which may arise in the future.

Yours sincerely

Geeta Jones
Resourcing Manager

Third email:

ARG2038-1015

Dear James,

Thank you for your recent application for the position of Assistant Buyer (Upholstery) in Milton Keynes.

The details of your application have been reviewed, but it is with regret that I write to inform you that on this occasion, you have been unsuccessful.

We hope that the decision made on this occasion will not deter you from applying for similar positions which may arise in the future.

Yours sincerely

Toni Weston
Resourcing Assistant

Fourth email:

ARG1499-1004

Dear James,

Thank you for your recent application for the position of Site Finance Analyst – Bridgwater in Bridgwater.

The details of your application have been reviewed, but it is with regret that I write to inform you that on this occasion, you have been unsuccessful.

We hope that the decision made on this occasion will not deter you from applying for similar positions which may arise in the future.

Yours sincerely

Rosie McCulloch
Resourcing Co-ordinator

Fifth email:

ARG1863-996

Dear James,

Thank you for your recent application for the position of Buyer (Jewellery) in Milton Keynes.

The details of your application have been reviewed, but it is with regret that I write to inform you that on this occasion, you have been unsuccessful.

We hope that the decision made on this occasion will not deter you from applying for similar positions which may arise in the future.

Yours sincerely

Kirsty Dunne
Resourcing Administrator

Sixth email:

HRG1703-717

Dear James,

Thank you for your recent application for the position of Pensions Manager in Milton Keynes.

The details of your application have been reviewed, but it is with regret that I write to inform you that on this occasion, you have been unsuccessful.

We hope that the decision made on this occasion will not deter you from applying for similar positions which may arise in the future.

Yours sincerely

Frances Andrews
Resourcing Manager

Seventh email:

ARG1344-1013

Dear James,

Thank you for your recent application for the position of Merchandise Systems Co-ordinator in Milton Keynes.

The details of your application have been reviewed, but it is with regret that I write to inform you that on this occasion, you have been unsuccessful.

We hope that the decision made on this occasion will not deter you from applying for similar positions which may arise in the future.

Yours sincerely

Toni Weston
Resourcing Assistant

Eighth email:

ARG1312-1000

Dear James,

Thank you for your recent application for the position of Assistant Buyer -DVD Set Top Boxes & TV Accesories in Milton Keynes.

The details of your application have been reviewed, but it is with regret that I write to inform you that on this occasion, you have been unsuccessful.

We hope that the decision made on this occasion will not deter you from applying for similar positions which may arise in the future.

Yours sincerely

Toni Weston
Resourcing Assistant

I’ll admit, by this point, I was feeling quite disappointed. But, there was still one more unread email in my inbox. Trembling, I clicked on it. I shut my eyes. (Green Light Auto Credit) I couldn’t look. Slowly, I opened my eyes only to see:

ARG5057-1017

Dear James,

Thank you for your recent application for the position of Senior Buyer – Storage in Milton Keynes.

The details of your application have been reviewed, but it is with regret that I write to inform you that on this occasion, you have been unsuccessful.

We hope that the decision made on this occasion will not deter you from applying for similar positions which may arise in the future.

Yours sincerely

Toni Weston
Resourcing Assistant

I was devastated. But then I remembered today’s date. Nice try guys, you almost fooled me there.

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