FOR YOUR ICE ONLY
Written by James Ward
On Friday night I went to the Royal George pub on Charing Cross Road for Karl Webster‘s coming out party. He hasn’t come out as gay (as far as I am aware, he is a heterosexual male), but rather he came out as real. Previously, he had been a fictional man called Stan Cattermole.
It is sad that in this day and age, members of the real community still feel the need to fit in with the fictional majority rather than live as themselves. It is unclear what percentage of society as a whole is real (estimates put it at around ten percent), but their voice is growing, and so I applaud Karl for having the bravery to come out publicly in this way.
While I was at the pub, I spotted this van outside:
I’d seen it before and had commented on Twitter about the amusing pun (“For your ice only” is a play on words relating to the James Bond film “For Your Eyes Only” and the fact the company delivers ice. It is quite clever). Someone on Twitter, picking up the James Bond theme, asked if they had a “licence to chill” (“Licence to Kill” is the name of another James Bond film).
Remembering this, and naturally being quite a helpful person, I decided to call the number on the side of the van there and then and suggest this alternative pun.
I dialled the number.
“Hello, Ice Factory” a voice said.
“Hallo” I replied.
“Can I help you?” he answered.
“Yes, hallo, I’m currently standing outside the Royal George pub on Charing Cross Road” I said.
“Sorry?” he replied.
“The Royal George on Charing Cross Road. I’m outside and I saw your van” I repeated.
“OK”
“I noticed it says ‘For Your Ice Only’ on the side and wanted to suggest you could also use another James Bond-related pun, ‘Licence To Chill’. It would be funny”
“Do you want to make an order?” he asked.
“No, I just wanted to make a suggestion. As well as ‘For Your Ice Only’, your van could say ‘Licence To Chill’ too” I explained.
“OK, well thank you for that suggestion, we do have other calls on the other lines from people wanting to make orders” he replied.
“I was only trying to be helpful” I said.
“OK, thanks, bye”.
Before I had a chance to say goodbye, the man had hung up the phone. I thought that was a bit rude, but as he had explained, they had lots of other calls coming in and I suppose he was too busy to chat.
Afterwards, @thehomme pointed out that on the side of the van, they had used inch marks rather than quotation marks. I might phone them up later and let them know.
UPDATE: @themanwhofell took this photo of me taking a photo of the van:
As far as I’m aware, no-one took a photo of him taking a photo of me taking a photo of the van.
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JAMES WARD: I LIKE BORING THINGS 
That’s good work. I like the slogan ‘together we can’ on the side there. Sounds rather odd in the context of delivering ice.
They’re a bit all over the place. “For Your Ice Only” is a lot more memorable than their actual name, and they’ve gone with a 007 007 number, so why bother with “The Ice Factory”?
I wonder if perhaps the inch marks are actually meant to connote icicles. That would be clever.
Phone them and ask.
When I first saw this post I thought it was for some sotr of chinesse delivery service :-
“For You Rice Only'”
It’s a Chinese restaurant with quite a bland menu though.
A fictional construct reveals the person underneath and you are more preoccupied by a real company straining to associate itself with the glamorous allure of an entirely made up spy film.
I put it to you that your support for the real community is no more than politically correct posing and that secretly you hanker for the days when society was composed of entirely made up characters.
Nonsense. I have nothing against the real community – indeed, some of my best friends are real.
I think they would argue that chilling is not going to keep the ice frozen.
What about You Only Live Ice?
No, The Ice Factory themselves would not chill the ice – rather the ice would chill the drinks of Ice Factory’s customers’ customers.
Coldfinger?
They could also have the phrase ‘Fry Another Day’ on their van. Also maybe ‘The Quantum Sorbet’, but I’m not sure what that means. I’m not sure what ‘The Quantum Solace’ means either, so maybe that’s appropriate. Then at the bottom of the van, they could have ‘By order of The Man With the Golden Pun’.
Why does your first link go to Greg Stekelman’s twitter feed? He isn’t real.
Oh, only the bit which said “@themanwhofell” was supposed to link to that. I must have selected the wrong bit. I have corrected it now. What a fool I am.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Not before lunch.
I can’t help it. I feel awful.