JAMES WARD: I LIKE BORING THINGS

Part One is here. Part Two is here.

A photo tour of room 1412 of the Royalton Hotel (44 West 44th Street, New York, NY 10036, United States).

As you can see, the room features a large sofa (ideal for sitting on, although it is also useful if, for instance, you get in and take off your jacket and can’t be bothered to hang it up properly – you can just throw it onto the sofa). There is also, just to the left, a desk. Just out of shot, next to (and partially under) the desk is a chair. There is also a telephone and some sort of radio/MP3 player thing (I didn’t use that, but it was nice to have the option).

Of course, it is traditional for hotel rooms to come complete with a bed, and room 1412 of the Royalton Hotel is no exception:

In reality, the bed isn’t nearly as blurry as in the photo above. The bed is ideal for sleeping in. It has pillows at one end for resting your head. The rest of the bed is covered in a large duvet. By climbing underneath the duvet (but remaining above the bed; lying between the mattress and the duvet in fact) you can sleep for as many hours as you wish, while remaining warm. To the right of the bed is a flat screen television.

After (or before) going to sleep you may wish to use the bathroom. Although called a “bathroom”, the room did not in fact have a bath. Instead it had a shower. This suited me, as I prefer showers anyway.

There is also a sink:

Again, in reality, the sink is actually in focus.

There is a telephone next to the toilet:

I really hope no-one ever telephones me from the toilet. What call could ever be so urgent that it couldn’t wait until you’ve finished? The only possible reason to telephone someone from a toilet is in the case of a medical emergency where you need to call 999 (or “911” in the US). Actually, as it’s a hotel, you might need to dial another number to get an external line. I’m not sure. Maybe you’d need to ring down to reception. Fortunately, my bowels did not cause me any problems during my stay and so I did not need to use this telephone.

If you get hungry, there is a small selection of overpriced snacks available:

No Twirls, sadly.

There is also a well stocked minibar:

Again though, this was quite expensive. What I did is I went to the shop around the corner and bought some cans of Budweiser for a few pounds (or “dollars” as they are called in America).

Thoughtfully, the hotel also provides a number of other items, such as painkillers, adaptors and candles:

The hotel also provides an impressive range of condoms. First up, we have a pack of three “sheer premium lubricated latex condoms” from Proper Attire:

Secondly, a “Mobile Intimacy Kit” from Mile High:

Finally, the Morgans Hotel Group intimacy kit:

Can there be any two words in the English language more sexy than “antiseptic towelettes”?