I spent about an hour on Twitter last night constructing a joke about a topical news story. One day, I hope to appear on Mock The Week. I will sit silently in the corner, avoiding eye contact with the other contestants, and simply shrugging whenever Dara O’Briain asks me a question.

I haven’t been following X Factor this year. Can someone give me the name of a high profile contestant so I can do a funny joke?

Seems like most high profile X Factor contestant is called Cher. Does she have a surname?

Thanks, so Cher’s surname is Lloyd. I using her full name, is she “Cher Lloyd” or “Cheryl Lloyd”?

OK, so it seems like “Cher Lloyd” is the form to go with.

Also, finally, would Cher Lloyd be best described as an X Factor “contestant” or “finalist”?

Right, OK, finalist.

OK, thanks everyone. I think I have all the facts required for my joke.

Right, so its everyone prepared for my joke?

I’m fairly sure this is the joke which will guarantee me a place on Mock The Week.

Having studied Andy Parsons on Mock The Week, I know that the funniest way to start a joke is by using the word “apparently”.

Consequently, I shall adopt this approach.

OK, I’m going to go for it.

Regardless of how it goes, I want to thank everyone involved in the formation of this joke.

OK, here goes…

I’m concerned that expectations are being raised the longer I take to actually tell the joke.

For that reason, I shall now tell the joke.

Right, fuck it, here goes…

I am seriously going to tell the joke now.



Here goes…

This is it…

I hope the battery on my phone doesn’t run out, that would be really embarrassing.

I think it’s OK.

OK, right. Here’s my joke…

I hope no-one has already done it.

OK, here goes…

Are you ready?

I’ve made sure that the first word is “Apparently”, so even people who like Mock The Week should like it.


Here we go…

Apparently the X Factor finalists are going to cover “Heroes” by David Bowie. Can’t wait to hear Cher Lloyd’s version of Neuköln.


Pretty good, right?

Worth the wait, right?

So, there you go. That was my joke.

Thanks to everyone involved.

I think there were about twenty people involved in the construction of that joke.

Thanks to everyone. Cheers.

Some people saying they don’t understand the joke.

Wonder if maybe my X Factor/Heroes joke wasn’t so good after all.

Do you think it would have been better if I’d chosen Moss Garden instead?

Joe The Lion. Maybe I should have chosen Joe The Lion?

I did give it some thought and felt that, musically, Moss Garden would have been best although, visually, Neuköln wins.

2 Comment on “JOKE

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