TOAST
Written by James Ward
Two harmless bearded men have opened a cereal cafe in East London. Because we live in the internet, lots of people (including Channel 4 News) have pretended to get angry about it:
Guys, it’s just some people selling cereal. Calm down.
This article by Rob Manuel is a bit more balanced:
I wonder if we’re all walking around in a sea of cynicism, fuelled by social media, competitive negative opinions, hating everything?
Maybe it’s eroding our ability to just enjoy something? Maybe we all need to make friends with our inner Cereal Killer Cafe.
I don’t actually understand why so many people seem bothered about the cereal cafe, and the outcry reminds me of the reaction to “$4 toast” (although the truth behind that story is a bit more interesting).
Anyway, thinking about cereal cafes and toast reminded me of an idea I had a while ago: pubs should sell toast.
Pubs should sell toast.
Do you run a pub? Sell toast in your pub. I don’t even want any royalties for this idea. I’m giving it to you as a gift. An early Christmas present. Sell toast in your pub. It’s not even like it involves a huge outlay of cash; you just need to get a toaster1, a loaf of Kingsmill2, some Utterly Butterly3 and a jar of Marmite4.
NOTES
1 According to Which? Magazine, the Breville Aurora VTT475 is pretty good, scoring 81% in their tests, higher than any other 4-slice toaster. “You’ll get a good piece of toast from the Aurora,” Which? wrote about the toaster. “It browns the toast well and covers most of the bread slices in a golden brown hue.” It is apparently a bit slow though, which could be a problem in a pub with lots of orders for toast coming in. “It’s also a slow toaster, taking nearly four minutes on average, to toast fresh bread. So if you do choose this model, you’ll need to time the rest of your breakfast accordingly – or enjoy a cuppa while you’re waiting.”
3 Or equivalent
4 If the “toast in pubs” idea is as popular as I think it will be, it might work out better value to buy one of those big plastic tubs of Marmite rather than a jar.
JAMES WARD: I LIKE BORING THINGS 
Don’t fret James. I’m sure even now a pair of beardy hipsters are planning to open a cafe near you that sells only toast. They will call it Toast of the Town and will stock a wide range of imported artisan preserves. There will be large barrels full of specialist teas. An ironic poster behind the counter will proclaim: Keep Calm and Eat Toast. A plump ginger cat called Marmalade will wander between the tables licking its buttery lips as a selection of theme tunes from 70’s Saturday morning cartoons pump out from the soundsystem.
Wetherspoons sells toast. Don’t judge me, I was at an airport, it was all they had. Toast and jam for about £1.95. It was good toast.
I fully understand your deep love for Marmite toast, you and I share that preference. However, would you consider the additional choice of Asda Tiger Bread in the public house’s selection of yeast – based bakery products? From personal experience, the bread gains a golden crusty exterior whilst retaining a soft inside. It’s truly delicious and no, before you ask, I’m not an itinerant bread seller. I should mention that this product causes a fair amount of crumb waste though, so the publican may have to invest in a hand – held vacuum cleaner to address the debris.